Candy Corn is the Absolute Worst Thing in the World

By Cody Schmitz

It happens every October without fail… The bane of my existence is restocked nationwide on supermarket shelves. Candy Corn.

Let me tell you something; candy corn is the worst. It’s seasonal allergies. It’s burning your tongue on molten pizza. Candy corn is the opposite of Batman.

Candy corn is what your evil, creepy neighbor gives out on Halloween night to pour just a little more hatred into the world before she dies. Let’s face it, you might as well hand out pamphlets on drugs. I bet they even taste better!

What makes candy corn the worst? Well, let’s start with the basics: what is it? What does this little sugary nugget represent? A corn kernel. Who wants to eat that? Raw corn is not appetizing. And what flavor is candy corn? Vanilla? Sugar? Poop? Probably poop.

For a handy reference, here is an official diagram detailing the exact place that candy corn falls in the world.

(Published by the Schmitzsonian)

I HATE candy corn. I don’t know if you understand this yet.

You know what makes candy corn even worse? Spin offs like this:



I can almost taste the chemicals.

I’ll never understand why this is a holiday tradition. Why do we humans put ourselves through annual torture in the name of festivity? Whatever, I’m over it. Just hate candy corn as much as I do and we’re fine. Now, on to my next hatred:

 

Circus Peanuts.