Church Fainting

Fainting can be a traumatic experience. It can be especially scary when it involves cemeteries, nuns and a priest’s tombstone.

            I was about twelve years old. It was Memorial Day, and as we had every year before, my family went with my grandma to the Catholic Cemetery for mass. I woke up as late as possible, and didn’t have any time to eat breakfast or even get a glass of water. This particular year an aunt and uncle were also around for Memorial Day. When my parents and I arrived at the cemetery there were not enough folding chairs to go around, so I ended up standing. As mass began I noted that it was a particularly hot and humid morning. I was fine until right after communion, when I experienced the strangest sensation. It sounded like a train was rushing by me, and my vision began to blur. I was rather bemused by these events. However, I wasn’t bemused for long. I promptly keeled over.

            When I opened my eyes and blinked a few times to clear my vision, I saw a nun leaning over me. I didn’t know where I was or why a nun happened to be leaning over me. Her head was about a foot from my face, which, to say the least, was a rather disturbing sight to regain consciousness to. When I was helped up I realized that when I fainted my head landed about three inches away from a priest’s headstone.

            Now this fainting spell wasn’t so bad. It was a decent way to get out of church; though it could have been much worse if I had succeeded in cracking my head open. So the moral of the story is, if you ever want to get out of church in a dramatic fashion, stand for your knees locked for long periods of time until you faint.

By Ike Uri